Ideal Husbands, Ideal Wives

One of the biggest challenges we face today, is how to overcome the lack of trust in our relationships (In this course we are dedicated to explore how we can improve these relationships.)

The present reality for many women is that they have experienced exploitation and or abuse from men on some level or another. Unless the husband is dedicated to improving his character and behaviour through the process of Krishna consciousness, he is sure to succumb to the exploiting mentality in his relationship with his unfortunate wife.

On the other hand if the wife is not fixed in her desire for spiritual upliftment and in the understanding of her need to faithfully serve a deserving husband, she will also fall prey to the exploiting mentality; competing with her husband, in the race for personal sense gratification.

Men and women both must endevour to improve their individual character, develop meaningful relationships and ultimately increase their Krishna consciousness.

The ideal Vedic role models should be our aim; but we must work together realistically to adjust to modern demands. Lasting relationships will grow only on the basis of loving trust and open communication.

Duties of a Faithful Husband

One who accepts a wife must be a faithful husband and give her full protection... One who strictly follows religious principles must not neglect to provide all facilities for the complete protection of his wife. There may be some suffering because of this, but one must nevertheless endure it. That is the duty of a faithful husband.

Srimad Bhagavatam 5.19.5

When a man becomes qualitatively like the cats and dogs, he forgets his duties in cultivating spiritual values, and thus he accepts his wife as a sense gratificatory agency. When the wife is accepted as a sense gratificatory agency, personal beauty is the main consideration, and as soon as there is a brake in personal sense gratification, there is disruption or divorce. But when husband and wife aim at spiritual advancement by mutual co-operation, there is no consideration of personal beauty or the disruption of so called love. Marriage is actually a duty performed in mutual co-operation as directed in the authoritative scriptures for spiritual advancement.

SB.

If the husband is progressive in spiritual advancement, the wife undoubtedly shares in his activities, and thus both the wife and the husband profit in spiritual perfection. It is essential, therefore, that girls as well as boys be trained to discharge spiritual duties so that at the time of co-operation both will be benefited. The training of the boys is brahmacarya, and the training of the girl is chastity. A faithful wife and spiritually trained brahmacary are a good combination for advancement of the human mission.

SB.3.14.17

TRANSLATION: Lord Ramacandra took a vow to accept only one wife and have no connection with any other women. He was a saintly king, and everything in His character was good, untinged by qualities like anger. He taught good behaviour for everyone, especially for householders, in terms of varnashrama-dharma. Thus He taught the general public by His personal activities.

PURPORT: Eka-pati-vrata, accepting only one wife, was the glorious example set by Lord Ramacandra. One should not accept more than one wife. In those days, of course, people did marry more than one wife. Even Lord Ramacandra's father accepted more wives than one. But Lord Ramacandra, as an ideal king, accepted only one wife, mother Sita. When mother Sita was kidnapped by Ravana and the Raksasas, Lord Ramacandra, as the Supreme Personality of Godhead, could have married hundreds and thousands of Sitas, but to teach us how faithful He was to His wife, He fought with Ravana and finally killed him. The Lord punished Ravana and rescued His wife to instruct men to have only one wife. Lord Ramacandra accepted only one wife and manifested sublime character, thus setting an example for householders. A householder should live according to the ideal of Lord Ramacandra, who showed how to be a perfect person. Being a householder or living with a wife and children is never condemned, provided one lives according to the regulative principles of varnashrama-dharma. Those who live in accordance with these principles, whether as householders, brahmacaris or vanaprasthas, are all equally important.

SB.9.10.54

A husband should be so enlightened that he should become the spiritual master of his wife in order to enlighten her in the advancement of Krishna consciousness. Generally stri, or women, is less intelligent than man: therefore, if the husband is intelligent enough, the women gets a great opportunity for spiritual enlightenment.

SB.3..24.5

If you have taken a wife, you must be completely responsible for her throughout your life. She shall always serve and obey you without fail, and you shall instruct her in Krishna consciousness and act as her spiritual master. Otherwise, without a husband, women have great difficulty in making spiritual advancement.

Letter to Danavir 12.17.72

Duties of a Chaste Wife

With such a good wife, the family’s engagement in the devotional service of the Lord actually makes a home a grihastha ashram, or household dedicated to spiritual cultivation.

SB.4.26.16

TRANSLATION: Cyavana Muni was very irritable, but since Sukanya had gotten him as her husband, she dealt with him carefully, according to his mood. Knowing his mind, she performed service to him without being bewildered.

PURPORT: This is an indication of the relationship between husband and wife. A great personality like Cyavana Muni has the temperament of always wanting to be in a superior position. Such a person cannot submit to anyone. Therefore, Cyavana Muni had an irritable temperament. His wife, Sukanya, could understand his attitude, and under the circumstances she treated him accordingly. If any wife wants to be happy with her husband, she must try to understand her husband's temperament and please him. This is victory for a woman. Even in the dealings of Lord Krishna with His different queens, it has been seen that although the queens were the daughters of great kings, they placed themselves before Lord Krishna as His maidservants. However great a woman may be, she must place herself before her husband in this way; that is to say, she must be ready to carry out her husband's orders and please him in all circumstances. Then her life will be successful. When the wife becomes as irritable as the husband, their life at home is sure to be disturbed or ultimately completely broken. In the modern day, the wife is never submissive, and therefore home life is broken even by slight incidents. Either the wife or the husband may take advantage of the divorce laws. According to the Vedic law, however, there is no such thing as divorce laws, and a woman must be trained to be submissive to the will of her husband. Westerners contend that this is a slave mentality for the wife, but factually it is not; it is the tactic by which a woman can conquer the heart of her husband, however irritable or cruel he may be. In this case we clearly see that although Cyavana Muni was not young but indeed old enough to be Sukanya's grandfather and was also very irritable, Sukanya, the beautiful young daughter of a king, submitted herself to her old husband and tried to please him in all respects. Thus she was a faithful and chaste wife.

SB.9.3.10

TRANSLATION: To render service to the husband, to be always favourably disposed toward the husband, to be equally well disposed toward the husband's relatives and friends, and to follow the vows of the husband-these are the four principles to be followed by women described as chaste.

SB.7.11.25

A chaste woman must dress nicely and decorate herself with golden ornaments for the pleasure of her husband. Always wearing clean and attractive garments, she should sweep and clean the household with water and other liquids so that the entire house is always pure and clean. She should collect the household paraphernalia and keep the house always aromatic with incense and flowers and must be ready to execute the desires of her husband. Being modest and truthful, controlling her senses, and speaking in sweet words, a chaste woman should engage in the service of her husband with love, according to time and circumstances.

SB.7.11.26-27

TRANSLATION: A chaste woman should not be greedy, but satisfied in all circumstances. She must be very expert in handling household affairs and should be fully conversant with religious principles. She should speak pleasingly and truthfully and should be very careful and always clean and pure. Thus a chaste woman should engage with affection in the service of a husband who is not fallen.

PURPORT: It is recommended, therefore, that a chaste wife not associate with a fallen husband. A fallen husband is one who is addicted to the four principles of sinful activity--namely illicit sex, meat-eating, gambling and intoxication. Specifically, if one is not a soul surrendered to the Supreme Personality of Godhead, he is understood to be contaminated. Thus a chaste woman is advised not to agree to serve such a husband. It is not that a chaste woman should be like a slave while her husband is naradhama, the lowest of men. Although the duties of a woman are different from those of a man, a chaste woman is not meant to serve a fallen husband. If her husband is fallen, it is recommended that she give up his association. Giving up the association of her husband does not mean, however, that a woman should marry again and thus indulge in prostitution. If a chaste woman unfortunately marries a husband who is fallen, she should live separately from him. Similarly, a husband can separate himself from a woman who is not chaste according to the description of the sastra. The conclusion is that a husband should be a pure Vaisnava and that a woman should be a chaste wife with all the symptoms described in this regard. Then both of them will be happy and make spiritual progress in Krishna consciousness.

SB.7.11.28

As a man must follow great personalities like Brahma and Narada, woman must follow the path of such ideal women as Sita, Mandodari and Draupadi. By staying chaste and faithful to her husband, a woman enriches herself with supernatural power.

SB 9.10.27

Excerpts from “Women’s Responsibility in Marriage” by Mulaprakriti Devi Dasi

The success formula is for the woman to create a situation in which the man is clearly the boss, and yet in which she is in charge. The boss gets his ego satisfaction and she, as the relationship manager, gets a successful marriage. A woman can, by good management skills, submit herself to whatever her husband asks but, at the same time, influence him to ask her to do what she wants to do. If she is expert giving him that he wants, when and how he wants it on his terms then he will do anything for her. (We may discuss this further in the Psychology section)

So dependence is not bad, surrender is not bad. I have seen practically woman surrendering to the husband. Still there are so many woman in India, they are so happy and their life is so glorious. So we have to learn how things are to be done. It is that simple. When you throw your bread upon the waters, it comes back buttered. When a wife is surrendered to her husband he feels successful and satisfied in giving his wife what she wants and needs to help make her happy. This is the secret.

When the man is thus benedicted by a woman’s chastity, shyness and innocence he becomes inspired to drop his own barriers and respect her in return. This encourages the natural male tendency for protection and chivalry. Shyness is a particular extra natural beauty of the fair sex, and it commands respect from the opposite sex. “This shyness is a gift of nature to the fair sex, and it enhances their beauty and prestige, even if they are of a less important family or even they are less attractive. We have practical experience of this fact. A sweeper woman commanded the respect of many respectable gentlemen simply by manifesting lady’s shyness. Half naked ladies on the street do not commanded any respect, but a shy sweeper’s wife commands respect from all”

SB.1.10.16 Purport

This innocence is like a fountain of youthful beauty for a woman. It is a major source of man’s fidelity in marriage. “ Formerly women were trained up only to remain faithful to their husband. That’s all. That is beauty, not personal beauty. If a woman is trained not to talk to any other man except her husband, that is her beauty. That enhances the beauty and prestige. That is Vedic knowledge.

Room conversation L.A. 6-23-75

[End of quotes from “Woman’s Responsibility in Marriage”]

Not only was mother Sita powerful, but any woman who follows in the footsteps of mother Sita can also become similarly powerful. There are many instances of this in the history of Vedic literature. Whenever we find a description of ideal chaste women, mother Sita is among them. Mandodari, the wife of Ravana, was also very chaste. Similarly, Draupadi was one of five exalted chaste women. As a man must follow great personalities like Brahma and Narada, a woman must follow the path of such ideal women as Sita, Mandodari and Draupadi. By staying chaste and faithful to her husband, a woman enriches herself with supernatural power.

SB.9.10.27

TRANSLATION: Working sanely and diligently, she pleased her very powerful husband, giving up all lust, pride, envy, greed, sinful activities and vanity.

PURPORT: Here are some of the qualities of a great husband's great wife. Kardama Muni is great by spiritual qualification. Such a husband is called tejyamsam, most powerful. Although a wife may be equal to her husband in advancement in spiritual consciousness, she should not be vainly proud. Sometimes it happens that the wife comes from a very rich family, as did Devahuti, the daughter of Emperor Svayambhuva Manu. She could have been very proud of her parentage, but that is forbidden. The wife should not be proud of her parental position. She must always be submissive to the husband and must give up all vanity. As soon as the wife becomes proud of her parentage, her pride creates great misunderstanding between the husband and wife, and their nuptial life is ruined. Devahuti was very careful about that, and therefore it is said here that she gave up pride completely. Devahuti was not unfaithful.

SB.3.23.3

Out of a loving desire to see the Lord, the royal ladies of the Kurus got up on top of the palace, and smiling with affection and shyness, they showered flowers upon the Lord.

SB.1.10.16

Getting a Husband By Being Qualified

We shall teach the girls two things. One thing is how to become chaste and faithful to their husband and how to cook nicely. If they have these two qualifications, I will guarantee to get for them a good husband. I’ll personally...Yes. These two qualifications required. She must learn how to prepare first class foodstuff, and she must learn how to become chaste and faithful to the husband. Only these two qualifications required. Then her life is successful. Here the boys don’t want to marry because they are very much inclined to marry an unchaste wife. If a woman is chaste, even though she is not very beautiful, she will liked by the husband. So train them in that way: very chaste, faithful wife and who knows how to cook very nicely. Other qualifications, even they haven’t got that’s all right.

Morning walk conversations 7/10/75

Co-operation Between Husband and Wife

Especially self esteem, faithfulness, loving affection, and spiritual devotion. This prepared women for practising these important talents in their marriages. Men were trained in individual strength, integrity, responsibility, and skills for accomplishment in the world. Masculine ideals encouraged them to be heroes who provide for, guide, protect, and improve both the family and society.

The three perfection of liberation are religiosity, economic development and sense gratification: For a conditioned soul, the wife is considered to be the source of liberation because she offers her service to the husband for his ultimate liberation. Conditional material existence is based on sense gratification, and if someone has the good fortune to get a good wife, he is helped by the wife in all respects. If one is disturbed in his conditional life, he becomes more and more entangled in material contamination. A faithful wife is supposed to co-operate with her husband in fulfilling all material desires so that he can then become comfortable and execute spiritual activities for the perfection of life. If, however, the husband is progressive in spiritual advancement, the wife undoubtedly shares in his activities, and thus both the wife and the husband profit in spiritual perfection. It is essential, therefore, that girls as well as boys be trained to discharge spiritual duties so that at the time of co-operation both will be benefited. The training of the boy is brahmacarya, and the training of the girl is chastity. A faithful wife and spiritually trained brahmacari are a good combination for advancement of the human mission.

SB. 3.14.17 Purport

PRABHUPADA: This is psychology. If woman is chaste, even though she is not very beautiful, she will be liked by the husband. So train them in that way: very chaste, faithful wife and knows how to cook very nicely. Other qualification, even they haven't, that's all right. And Krishna consciousness is being trained up. Then there will be no difficulty. And boys should be first-class man..

Morning Walk Chicago, July 10, 1975

PURPORT: This is the position of all materialistic men. They do not care for a married chaste wife. They take the wife only as an instrument for sense enjoyment, not as a means for devotional service. To have unrestricted sex life, the karmis work very hard. They have concluded that the best course is to have sex with any woman and simply pay the price for her, as though she were a mercantile commodity. Thus they engage their energy in working very hard for such material acquisitions. Such materialistic people have lost their good intelligence. They must search out their intelligence within the heart. A person who does not have a chaste wife accepted by religious principles always has a bewildered intelligence.

The wife of King Puranjana was lying on the ground because she was neglected by her husband. Actually the woman must always be protected by her husband. We always speak of the goddess of fortune as being placed on the chest of Narayana. In other words, the wife must remain embraced by her husband. Thus she becomes beloved and well protected. Just as one saves his money and places it under his own personal protection, one should similarly protect his wife by his own personal supervision. Just as intelligence is always within the heart, so a beloved chaste wife should always have her place on the chest of a good husband. This is the proper relationship between husband and wife. A wife is therefore called ardhangani, or half of the body. One cannot remain with only one leg, one hand or only one side of the body. He must have two sides. Similarly, according to nature's way, husband and wife should live together. In the lower species of life, among birds and animals, it is seen that by nature's arrangement the husband and wife live together. It is similarly ideal in human life for the husband and wife to live together. The home should be a place for devotional service, and the wife should be chaste and accepted by a ritualistic ceremony. In this way one can become happy at home.

SB.4.26.17

You can become a husband but not the husband of a prostitute. Then your life is finished. Therefore so much stress is given taught wife should be chaste and the husband should be very well behaved then life will be successful.

Bhagavad Gita lecture 5/25/76

When butter is brought into the proximity of fire, it melts. The woman is like fire, and a man is like the butter. But if one gets a chaste wife, accepted through a religious marriage ritual, she can be of great help when one is threatened by the many dangerous situations of life. Actually such a wife can become the source of all good intelligence.

This story told by Srila Prabhupada, is a great example showing how a woman can be tricked by an unscrupulous man:

The difference between a sudra and brahmana. A sudra can be misled at any moment. That is stated in... Stri sudra. Woman and sudra on the same class. You can mislead them by high talking: "Oh, I am coming from Indian prince." They come here, marry some European, and go to India and then engage him (her) for collecting water in bucket. One Mahommaden crewman, a vagabond, he bluffed one girl that "I am coming from Mahommadan prince family." Then she married, and she went to Allahabad, and she was given borakha and she was living in a hut, and then she was bringing water from the street. She wrote a letter to the Viceroy that "This is my position." Then police came and rescued her and sent her.

Morning walk conversation 7/20/76

(From: Success in the Grihastha Ashram by Jaya Sila Das)