Choosing a Partner
Hearing from Srila Prabhupada:
The fulfilment of desires, therefore, should be entrusted to
the Supreme Personality of Godhead; that is the nicest solution. Kardama Muni
desired only a wife, but because he was a devotee of the Lord, the Lord selected
a wife for him who was the Emperor's daughter, a princess. Thus Kardama Muni
got a wife beyond his expectation. If we depend on the choice of the Supreme
Personality of Godhead, we will receive benedictions in greater opulence than
we desire.
SB.3.21.28
Formerly, boys and girls of similar dispositions were married;
the similar natures of the boy and girl were united in order to make them happy.
Not more than twenty-five years ago, and perhaps it is still current, parents
in India used to consult the horoscope of the boy and girl to see whether there
would be factual union in their psychological conditions. These considerations
are very important. Nowadays marriage takes place without such consultation,
and therefore, soon after the marriage, there is divorce and separation.
SB.3.21.15
Taking into consideration the physical beauty of the person.
Tamala Krishna: It was suggested that she get married
and because of his body she said no... the only reason she said no, was because
of a material reason. Not a spiritual reason. she said no because of her preference,
material preference.
Prabhupada: Of course, as long as we have this material
body, some material consideration must be there. (Chuckles) It is not possible
to avoid completely.
Room conversation 9-24-68)
The psychology is that woman, the first man she meets and if
she is kept carefully, she becomes staunch lover. This is psychology. There
is good psychology in maintaining the society. Therefore a woman, especially
in India, especially in Bengal, before attaining puberty, she was married.
Not to meet the husband unless she attains puberty. But she remained at father's
house, but she must know that: "I am married. I have got husband." This
psychology. Then she becomes very chaste. Because she thinks of her husband,
and becomes more and more devoted. So this arrangement that woman must be married
before puberty. Or even after puberty, she must get a husband.
Bhagavad-gita lecture 1973
The psychology is that the girl, after her first menstruation,
she enjoys sex life with a boy, she will never forget that boy. Her love for
that boy is fixed up for good. This is woman’s psychology. And if she
is allowed to have many, oh, she will never be a chaste woman. This is the
psychology.
Room conversation 8-15-71
As soon as there is illicit sex there are so many difficulties.
Of course nowadays it has all become very easy. Formerly it was very difficulty
especially in India. Therefore a young girl was always protected, because if
she mixes with the boys, somehow or other as soon as there is sex she becomes
pregnant. And it will not be possible to get her married. No. Touched by the
serpent. Vedic civilisation is very strict, because the whole aim as how to
go back to home back to Godhead, Not sense gratification.
Bhagavad Gita lecture 8-4-73
According to Vedic system, marriage is a long program. The
father of the girl and the boy first of all select. Then their horoscope should
be consulted, how they will mix together, and then the family, then personal
qualification, so many things... Then dowry... After all this consideration,
when everything is satisfactory, then the father and mother of both sides will
agree, and they will be married. That is marriage.
Room Conversation- Melbourne, April 7, 1972
According to astrological calculation, a person is classified
according to whether he belongs to the godly or demoniac quality. In that way
the spouse was selected. A girl of godly quality should be handed over to a
boy of godly quality. A girl of demoniac quality should be handed over to a
boy of demoniac quality. Then they will be happy. But if the girl is demoniac
and the boy is godly, then the combination is incompatible; they cannot be
happy in such a marriage. At the present moment, because boys and girls are
not married according to quality and character, most marriages are unhappy,
and there is divorce.
SB.3.24.15
It is recommended they should be married at very early age,
then the wife will remain always chaste and devoted to her husband. At such
young age, from the first night onwards, she can never for a moment forget
him, being still child and unspoiled, therefore she becomes the perfect chaste
wife, and in those times the wife was so much devoted to her husband that she
would voluntarily die in the fire of his cremation, unable to live without
him. Myself, I was very young when I got married, and my wife was 11 years
only. But there is no question of separation in our marriage belief, neither
your daughter will ever be separated from that boy, that is their vow. Rather,
it is when people are a little grown-up, when they have got little independence
and their own ways of doing things, then if they marry there is often difficulty
to adjust, just as it is more difficult to bend the bamboo when it is yellow.
7th November, 1972 to Mr. Loy
A wife is meant to help, but she cannot help her husband unless
he is completely equal to her in age, character and quality.
SB.3.22.11 Purport
TRANSLATION: A chaste woman should not be greedy, but satisfied in all
circumstances. She must be very expert in handling household affairs and
should be fully conversant with religious principles. She should speak pleasingly
and truthfully and should be very careful and always clean and pure.
PURPORT: It is recommended, therefore, that a chaste wife not
associate with a fallen husband. A fallen husband is one who is addicted to
the four principles of sinful activity--namely illicit sex, meat-eating, gambling
and intoxication. Specifically, if one is not a soul surrendered to the Supreme
Personality of Godhead, he is understood to be contaminated. Thus a chaste
woman is advised not to agree to serve such a husband. It is not that a chaste
woman should be like a slave while her husband is naradhama, the lowest of
men. Although the duties of a woman are different from those of a man, a chaste
woman is not meant to serve a fallen husband. If her husband is fallen, it
is recommended that she give up his association. Giving up the association
of her husband does not mean, however, that a woman should marry again and
thus indulge in prostitution. If a chaste woman unfortunately marries a husband
who is fallen, she should live separately from him. Similarly, a husband can
separate himself from a woman who is not chaste according to the description
of the sastra. The conclusion is that a husband should be a pure Vaisnava and
that a woman should be a chaste wife with all the symptoms described in this
regard. Then both of them will be happy and make spiritual progress in Krishna
consciousness.
SB.7.11.28
It is also significantly noted here that Kardama Muni was a
brahmana whereas Emperor Svayambhuva was a ksatriya. Therefore, intercaste
marriage was current even in those days. The system was that a brahmana could
marry the daughter of a ksatriya, but a ksatriya could not marry the daughter
of a brahmana. We have evidences from the history of the Vedic age that Sukracarya
offered his daughter to Maharaja Yayati, but the king had to refuse to marry
the daughter of a brahmana: only with the special permission of the brahmana
could they marry. Intercaste marriage, therefore, was not prohibited in the
olden days many millions of years ago, but there was a regular system of social
behaviour.
SB.3.21.28
Another feature of this incident is that Svayambhuva Manu was
the emperor, but he went to offer his qualified daughter to a poor brahmana.
Kardama Muni had no worldly possessions—he was a hermit living in the
forest—but he was advanced in culture. Therefore, in offering one’s
daughter to a person, the culture and quality are counted as prominent, not
wealth or any other material consideration.
SB.3.22.13
Relevant Letters
Regarding the relationship with ____, first there must be a
trial period, as you know, during which you both must become completely convinced
that you want this relationship. We should also test the astrological compatibility
to make sure that it is auspicious. Once we are convinced that this relationship
can work, then you can proceed with the next step.
Certainly if you both remain responsible in your personal endeavours
for Krishna consciousness, you can help one another to advance. A marriage in
Krishna consciousness is like a partnership between two devotees who agree to
help each other to make spiritual progress and to help each other respect the
disciplines that are necessary for that. Problems arise in the lives of Grhasthas
when they forget their identities as servants and start to think of enjoying
the facility that married life offers.
Jagadish lett.
Be responsible and careful in deŽveloping this relationship.
Go forward slowly and try to be sure that you are compatible with one another
before you decide defiŽnitely to get married. A very important principle
for every devotee to consider before entering a relationship with a wife or
a husband is that one must be prepared to accept the other as they are. One
should not think that he/she will change the other person to be the way he/she
wants them to be. I have seen that when a husband or a wife enters a relationship
with this idea, hoping to change the other one, there will almost always be
difficulties in the marriage.
Jagadish lett.
You have asked for some advice. My advice is to go slowly and
be sure before you take the big step. If you want to set a date, set it a reasonable
distance in advance. Don't rush the matter. Give yourselves plenty of time
to be confident. Neither should feel obliged in the relationship until both
actually decide definitively to get married. Learn to respect one another.
Without respect there is no basis for a marriage, especially in Krishna Consciousness.
Romantic love is not necessarily respect. Many times couples marry with romantic
notions about each other, but later, when they know each other better, the
romance ends and they loose respect. Search for this respect for one another.
Don't marry before you have found it.
Jagadish lett.
Krishna consciousness is a voluntary thing. A woman's acceptance
of a husband is also a voluntary thing. It should be on the basis of a desire
to please Krishna that husband and wife accept one another and try to help one
another in their spiritual progress. Don't try to change her to make her into
what you want her to be. If you want a wife like that don't get married, because
there are no women who are willing to be moulded according to the way a man
wants. They are individuals, they have their personalities. If you can't accept
her as she is, then please don't marry her. If you accept her as she is, then
she will be happy and obedient and she will give her life to you. On the other
hand, if you are always trying to change her she will be unhappy and she will
naturally then manifest her independence in a way you won't like.
Certainly you can give her suggestions and indicate to her your
expectations for how you would like her to behave. Then give her credit for
being intelligent and let her try to satisfy you. If she can't then probably
you shouldn't marry her.
Jagadish lett.
Selection Process
This selection process is traditionally done by loving parents
in a supportive community environment. The father of the girl, they’ll
find out a suitable boy. This boy and this girl would live very happily by
horoscope calculation. Then the family consideration, whether the boy is coming
from suitable family or the girl is coming. So many things were there. But
that kind of marriage is practically already stopped.
SB Lecture- Bombay 1974
So these marriage things are done very psychologically, scientifically,
so that they may become happy, and then in peaceful mind, combine together,
good co-operation, they make progress, spiritual.
Room conversation Vrndavana 6/28/77
Consultation with close devotee friends, the greatest essentials for success
are having trust and respect for the man. The goal of life must be something
the woman can gladly support. It is also crucial that the man and woman’s
natures and characters are equal in quality. As Krishna told Rukmini, “ Select
a suitable husband who is actually and equal to you in opulence, family tradition,
wealth beauty, education in all respects. (Krishna Book. Vol. 2 chapter 5) Careful
choosing includes an intensive interviewing process which scrutinises the man’s
direction and character over a period of time and under various circumstances.
There may be some man, especially in western society, who are too much damaged
and scarred from their dysfunctional upbringings. They may never respond properly
and may even take an abusive position. However, it is surprising how the majority
(even those who initially appear difficult) do responded. Hopefully, in your
careful choosing process, you have eliminated those cases too severe for you.
Perhaps another woman whose skill and taste is more compatible with his needs
will have better luck with him. If a man is working on himself, especially
in conjunction with a support system of Godbrothers, a woman’s loving
appreciation is the perfect catalyst for further inspiration.
(From: Success in the Grihastha Ashram by Jaya Sila Das)
