Great Expectations

Marriage Expectations

Today there is still much debate over the role of the man and the woman. For example, if a young man from a more traditional family approaches marriage with the implicit expectation ”I’m the breadwinner, and you take care of the kids,” he may be in for a rude awakening. It’s evident that young and old couples alike are struggling with conflicting role expectations. Many women are unfulfilled without a professional career outside the home - a phenomenon fuelled by a society that doesn’t provide much appreciation, validation, and reinforcement for women as homemakers. Since modern society doesn’t value traditional roles and the extended family, we are therefore forced to adjust our expectations.

Many of the problems people face in marriage rise out of conflicting role expectations or script conflicts. For instance, the husband may think it’s the wife’s role take care of the garden - his mother did. And the wife may think that it is her husband’s role, since her father did. A small problem becomes a large one because conflicting scripts compound every problem and magnify every difference. Study your own marriage and family problems to see if they, too, are not rooted in conflicting role expectations and compounded by conflicting scripts.

Expectations of Spouse - Misunderstanding of Scripts

Many marriage problems rise out of conflicting role expectations or script conflicts. Remember that people identify with what they see and what they feel far more than what they hear. Scripting is about 90 percent example and relationship and 10 percent telling. Thus our day to day modelling is far and away our highest form of influence! We must not hold forth eloquently on high moral principals and then plough back into the deep, where we spend most of our lives as grouches, as critics, as unfeeling, unloving people. It’s important to walk our talk! Or practice what we preach!

I encourage you to build bridges between the Ideal and the real, to avoid living in two isolated and artificial compartments.

1. The abstract, ethereal, idealistic, spiritual side.
2. The mundane, gritty, everyday life side.

Integration builds integrity - There is little to be gained from living in the cycle of “Bhoga-Tyaga” or sense gratification and renunciation. Try to balance your life and be realistic.

Communication is one of the most Fundamental Skills in Life

The first challenge is to learn to say what we mean; the second is to learn to listen so that we understand what others mean. The key to effective two-way communication is high trust. When trust is high communication is easy. The key to trust is trustworthiness.

Integrity

Living a life of integrity or mature Krishna Consciousness, is the best guarantee of maintaining the climate of effective communication. As with all natural processes, there are no short cuts, no quick fixes.

Start by opening an “Emotional Bank Account”

It’s important to open and make deposits in what we can call the 'emotional bank account'. Acts of kindness, consideration, empathy, respect, dependability etc. are all deposits. Then even if we accidently make one or two withdrawals through oversight or neglect, we will still maintaain a credit balance. Their will still be enough trust left in our relationship. We must not overdraw our emotional bank accounts with our spouce, family, friends, or in any of our relationships.

Expectations

It is absolutely essential to understand at least the basic expectations of your proposed spouse before marriage. He or She may have any of the following differences:

• Different nationality
• Different culture
• Different spiritual master
• Different expectations

If we are already married it will help us to:

1. try to understand what our parterners expectations are;
2. whether they can be accomodated;
3. what adjustments are needed on both sides;

(Ref: the need for effective two-way communication. Item 3.)

Husband Expects from Wife:

• Physical attraction, dressing according to husband’s desire.
• Giving husband feeling of importance and of being in charge.
• Ability to keep the household in order and clean.
• Ability to look after babies and young children.
• Submissive attitude.
• Gentle in speech
• Respectful to husband’s friends and family members.
• Non demanding - living within means of husband.
• Always chaste- according to requirements and guidance of husband.

At different stages of life our expectations of our partners will more than likely change.

Later stages: Women able to take up service that gives her own interest and satisfaction. Not over dependant on husband for her every pleasure. Ability to develop a vision for her future service after rearing children. Being a grandmother, teaching, preaching, pre -schooling, administration, secretary, business, professional, Deity puja, cooking, etc.

Wife expects from Husband:

• Fidelity • Financial support
• Emotional support
• Help in raising children- parenting
• Good communicator
• Responsible and dependable
• Encouragement in devotional service over and above domestic duties

Later stages:

• Encouraging wife in fulfilling service
• Providing financial security
• Providing a secure Krishna conscious environment.

What people see and feel dictates how they act and what their expectations are, not what they are told or what they hear

• Therefore if we want respect we must show respect.
• If we expect caring relationships we must give care to others.
• If we expect appreciation we must give up critisizing others etc.
• We must practice what we preach!

Question - How to have our expectations fulfilled ?

Answer - Develop good communication skills.

This may come more naturally so some than others.

The bottom line however is that we can all do a lot better if we try.

The motivation to try comes when we understand the importance of good communication to a successful marriage. No one is born an expert at anything. It requires effort.

Points to be Considered:

• Earning of family income;
• Bank accounts;
• Household spending;
• Household duties;
• Responsibilities for raising children;
• Recreation, spending time together;

Different couples will have different expectations of each other and will establish their own arangements and standards after due discussion with their partner. It’s an on-going process of communication, and that’s what marriage is all about.

(From: Success in the Grihastha Ashram by Jaya Sila das)