Great Expectations

Marriage Expectations

Today there is still much debate over the role of the man and the woman. For example, if a young man from a more traditional family approaches marriage with the implicit expectation ”I’m the breadwinner, and you take care of the kids,” he may be in for a rude awakening. It’s evident that young and old couples alike are struggling with conflicting role expectations. Many women are unfulfilled without a professional career outside the home - a phenomenon fuelled by a society that doesn’t provide much appreciation, validation, and reinforcement for women as homemakers. Since modern society doesn’t value traditional roles and the extended family, we are therefore forced to adjust our expectations.

Many of the problems people face in marriage rise out of conflicting role expectations or script conflicts. For instance, the husband may think it’s the wife’s role take care of the garden - his mother did. And the wife may think that it is her husband’s role, since her father did. A small problem becomes a large one because conflicting scripts compound every problem and magnify every difference. Study your own marriage and family problems to see if they, too, are not rooted in conflicting role expectations and compounded by conflicting scripts.

Expectations of Spouse - Misunderstanding of Scripts

Many marriage problems rise...more

Choosing a Partner

Hearing from Srila Prabhupada:

The fulfilment of desires, therefore, should be entrusted to the Supreme Personality of Godhead; that is the nicest solution. Kardama Muni desired only a wife, but because he was a devotee of the Lord, the Lord selected a wife for him who was the Emperor's daughter, a princess. Thus Kardama Muni got a wife beyond his expectation. If we depend on the choice of the Supreme Personality of Godhead, we will receive benedictions in greater opulence than we desire.

SB.3.21.28

Formerly, boys and girls of similar dispositions were married; the similar natures of the boy and girl were united in order to make them happy. Not more than twenty-five years ago, and perhaps it is still current, parents in India used to consult the horoscope of the boy and girl to see whether there would be factual union in their psychological conditions. These considerations are very important. Nowadays marriage takes place without such consultation, and therefore, soon after the marriage, there is divorce and separation.

SB.3.21.15

Taking into consideration the physical beauty of the person.

Tamala Krishna: It was suggested that she get married and because of his body she said no... the only reason she said no, was because of a material reason....more

Vivaha-samskara

Talks by Indradyumna Swami and Giriraj Swami
Piyush and Lalita-devi dasi’s wedding ceremony
June 3, 2006
Carpinteria, CA

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“Give More Than You Take” by Indradyumna Swami

Samskaras are Vedic purificatory ceremonies for advancing in spiritual life. One of them is vivaha-samskara, the wedding rite.

Before I begin, I would like to thank the Supreme Lord for providing such a beautiful day, by His grace, a warm and sunny day. I don’t know what would have happened if it had rained. We didn’t actually have an alternative plan, so we depended on Krsna. I would also like to thank Giriraj Maharaja’s staff, especially Mother Kunti, who worked so hard for many weeks to prepare this marriage ceremony. There are quite a number of devotees on the staff, and they have done a wonderful job.

When, several weeks ago, I was invited to speak at this auspicious function, I was considering what I would talk about, what I would say. I am a monk in the renounced order, so marriage is not my best subject, but Krsna helped me. Yoga-ksemam vahamy aham. It says for His devotee, He protects whatever they have and He provides whatever they require. So I was thinking, “What will...more

Physically, psychologically and spiritually we will go through many changes in the natural course of our lives and our marital relationship may need to adapt accordingly. Yet some basic, vital qualities are present throughout all healthy marriages. Let’s look at seven of them in relation to our potential spouse and ourselves.

Balanced: If you have been to a circus you may have seen a tightrope walker constantly adjusting his long pole to keep it horizontal. Without these readjustments, the performer may lose his balance and fall. Similarly, by avoiding extreme views or behaviors that will throw us off our chosen life path, we can remain mentally, physically and spiritually balanced. And we can choose to marry a similarly balanced person.

Respectful:  Respect is crucial to any relationship. A person who respects others will not neglect to respect you, while one who is harsh and critical will, sooner or later, most likely exhibit that same behavior toward you.

A good listener: more