This short story will help illustrate some of the fundamental differences between the psychology of men and women

A week after our daughter Sita was born, my wife Laxmi and I were completely exhausted. Each night Sita kept waking us. Laxmi had been torn in the delivery and was taking painkillers. She could barely walk. After five days of staying home to help I went back to the temple. She seemed to be getting better.

While I was away she ran out of pain pills. Instead of calling me at the temple, she asked one of my brothers, who was visiting, to purchase more. My brother, however, did not return with the pills. Consequently, she spent the whole day in pain, taking care of a new-born.

I had no idea that her day had been so awful. When I returned home she was very upset. I misinterpreted the cause of her distress and thought she was blaming me.

She said, “I’ve been in pain all day I ran out of pills. I’ve been stranded in bed and nobody cared!”

I said defensively, “Why didn’t you call me?”

She said, “I asked your brother, but he forgot! I’ve been waiting for him to return all day. What am I supposed to do? I can barely walk. I feel so deserted!

At this point I exploded. My fuse was also very short that day. I was angry that she hadn’t called me. I was furious that she was blaming me when I didn’t even know she was in pain. After exchanging a few harsh words, I headed for the door. I was tired, irritable, and had heard enough. We had both reached our limits. Then something started to happen that would change my life.

Laxmi said, “Stop please don’t leave. This is when I need you the most. I’m in pain. I haven’t slept in days. Please listen to me.” I stopped for a moment to listen.

She said, “Krishna Das, you’re a fair weather friend! As soon as I’m sweet, loving Laxmi you are here for me, but as soon as I’m not, you walk right out that door.”

Then she paused, and her eyes filled up with tears. As her tone shifted she said, “Right now I’m in pain. I have nothing to give, this is when I need you the most. Please come over here and hold me. You don’t have to say anything. Please don’t go.”

I walked over and silently held her. She wept in my arms. After a few minutes, she thanked me for not leaving She told me that she just needed to feel me holding her.

At that moment I started to realise the real meaning of live- unconditional love. I had always thought of myself as a loving person. But she was right. I had been a fair-weather friend. As long as she was happy and nice. I loved back. But if she was unhappy or upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distance myself.

That day for the first time, I didn’t leave her. I stayed and it felt great. I succeeded in giving to her when she really needed me. This felt like real love. Caring for another person. Trusting in our love. Being there at her hour of need. I marvelled at how easy it was for me to support her when I was shown the way.

How had I missed this? She just needed me to go over and hold her. Another woman would have instinctively known what Laxmi needed but as a man, I didn’t know that touching, holding and listening were so important to her. By recognising these differences I began to learn a new way of relating to my wife. I would have never believed we could resolve conflict so easily.

In my previous relationships, I had become indifferent and unloving at difficult times, simply because I didn’t know what else to do. As a result, my first marriage had been very painful and difficult. This incident with Laxmi revealed to me how I could change this pattern.

By learning in very practical and specific terms about how men and women are different, I suddenly began to realise that my marriage did not need to be such a struggle. With this new awareness of our differences Laxmi and I were able to improve dramatically our communication and enjoy our life together in Krishna consciousness.

General Psychology

The basic psychology of a man and woman are different. One is not better than, or inferior to the other; just plain old different - apples and pears, peaches and bananas.

When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways-the ways we react and behave when we love someone.

Man’s Psychology

• A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.
• To Offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.
• Generally speaking when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to “help” a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him.

Woman’s Psychology

• A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships.
• If a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.
• So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn’t pleased.

For example Bhakti comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her feelings about the day:

Bhakti: “ There is so much to do; I don’t have any time for myself”.

Deva: “ You should quit that service. You don’t have to work so hard. Find something you like to do.”

Bhakti says, “ But I like my service. They just expect me to change everything at a moment’s notice.”

Deva says, “ Don’t listen to them. Just do what you can do.”

Bhakti says, “ I am! I can’t believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today.”

Deva says, “ Don’t worry about it, she’ll understand.”

Bhakti says, “ Do you know what she is going through? She needs me.”

Deva says, “ You worry too much, that’s why you’re so unhappy.”
Bhakti angrily says, “ I am not always unhappy. Can’t you just listen to me?

Deva says, “ I’m listening.”

Bhakti says, “ Why do I even bother?”

After this conversation, Bhakti was more frustrated than when she arrived home seeking intimacy and companionship. Deva was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He wanted to help, but his problem - solving tactics didn’t work.

Without knowing about the needs of women, Deva didn’t understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, women never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honouring another woman is to listen patiently with empathy. Seeking truly to understand the other’s feelings.

Deva had no idea that just listening with empathy to Bhakti express her feelings would bring her tremendous relief and fulfilment. When Deva heard about how much they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen.

When Bhakti now comes home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different. They sound like this:

Bhakti says, “ There is so much to do. I have no time for me.”

Deva takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, “ Humph, sounds like you had a hard day.”

Bhakti says, “ They expect me to change everything at a moment’s notice.  I don’t know what to do.”

Deva pauses and then says, “ Hmmmmm.”

Bhakti says, “ I even forgot to call my aunt.”

Deva says, with a slightly wrinkled brow, “ Oh, no.”

Bhakti says, “ She needs me so much right now. I feel so bad.”
Deva says, “ You are such a loving person.”

Deva gives Bhakti a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She then says, “ I love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I feel much better.”

Not only Bhakti but also Deva felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen. With this new awareness of their differences, Deva learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Bhakti learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

To summarise the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:

1. A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix - It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.
2. A woman tries to change a man’s behaviour when he makes mistakes by becoming the home - improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

When a woman resists a man’s solutions

When a woman resists a man’s solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens.

By remembering that women are from Venus, a man at such times can instead understand why she is resisting him. He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a time when she was needing empathy and nurturing.

A women under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.

Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.

It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure.

• Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed....
• Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.

Srila Prabhupada helps us to understand the psychology of men and women

Understanding the Male Ego

Devahuti served her husband in two ways, visrambhena and gauravena. These are two important processes in serving the husband or the Supreme Personality of Godhead. Visrambhena means "with intimacy," and gauravena means "with great reverence." The husband is a very intimate friend; therefore, the wife must render service just like an intimate friend, and at the same time she must understand that the husband is superior in position, and thus she must offer him all respect. A man's psychology and woman's psychology are different. As constituted by bodily frame, a man always wants to be superior to his wife, and a woman, as bodily constituted, is naturally inferior to her husband. Thus the natural instinct is that the husband wants to post himself as superior to the wife, and this must be observed. Even if there is some wrong on the part of the husband, the wife must tolerate it, and thus there will be no misunderstanding between husband and wife. Visrambhena means "with intimacy," but it must not be familiarity that breeds contempt. According to the Vedic civilisation, a wife cannot call her husband by name. In the present civilisation the wife calls her husband by name, but in Hindu civilisation she does not. Thus the inferiority and superiority complexes are recognised. Damena ca: a wife has to learn to control herself even if there is a misunderstanding. Sauhrdena vaca madhuraya means always desiring good for the husband and speaking to him with sweet words. A person becomes agitated by so many material contacts in the outside world; therefore, in his home life he must be treated by his wife with sweet words.

Srimad-Bhagavatam Canto 3:
Chapter Twenty-three, Text 2

Men because of their strong masculine egos, have a need to dominate. It is a fact of nature. Domination does not mean abusive subjugation. Natural position is that the wife is under or subordinate to the husband. At least that is the Vedic conception. Therefore woman places herself in the position of Dasi, maidservant....( Lecture S.B. 1974 Bombay). A woman, in a subordinate, but not inferior attitude, understands this arrangement and treats the man accordingly. Accepting that a man’s ego is powerful, she promptly makes that ego her friend. Thus she encourages it to work for their mutual benefit. She understands the need of this male ego to be the boss and gently acquiesces to that arrangement. Srila Prabhupada emphasises this point strongly. Thus the natural instinct is that the husband wants to post himself as superior to the wife, and this must be observed. Even if there is some wrong on the part of the husband. The wife must tolerate it, and thus there will be no misunderstanding between husband and wife.

SIB. 3.23.2. purport

By her devotional sensitivity and compliant attitude the woman can elicit all positive responses in her husband. She is respected and tenderly protected. If any wife wants to be happy with her husband, she must try to understand her husband’s temperament and please him. This is victory for a woman.

S.B. 9.3.10 purport.

The male nature needs respect and acceptance to flourish. If it is thwarted, it becomes like a bull in a china shop and everyone loses. If it is affectionately pampered, everyone benefits. If the woman does not become subordinate to man, then there is social disruption.. Man wants that woman should be subordinate, faithful to him. Then he is ready to take charge, the man’s mentality, woman’s mentality different. So if the woman agrees to remain faithful and subordinate to man, then the family life will be peaceful.

The psychology is that woman, the first man she meets and if she is kept carefully, she becomes staunch lover. This is psychology. There is good psychology in maintaining the society. Therefore a woman, especially in India, especially in Bengal, before attaining puberty, she was married. Not to meet the husband unless she attains puberty. But she remained at father's house, but she must know that: "I am married. I have got husband." This psychology. Then she becomes very chaste. Because she thinks of her husband, and becomes more and more devoted.

Prabhupada's Lectures
Bhagavad-gita 1973

PURPORT: The wife is expected to be of the same category as the husband. She must be prepared to follow the principles of the husband, and then there will be happy life. If the husband is a devotee and the wife is materialistic, there cannot be any peace in the home. The wife must see the tendencies of the husband and must be prepared to follow him. From Mahabharata we learn that when Gandhari understood that her would-be husband, Dhrtarastra, was blind, she immediately began to practice blindness herself. Thus she covered her eyes and played the part of a blind woman. She decided that since her husband was blind, she must also act like a blind woman, otherwise she would be proud of her eyes, and her husband would be seen as inferior. The word samanuvrata indicates that it is the duty of a wife to adopt the special circumstances in which the husband is situated. Of course, if the husband is as great as Kardama Muni, then a very good result accrues from following him. But even if the husband is not a great devotee like Kardama Muni, it is the wife's duty to adapt herself according to his mentality. That makes married life very happy.

Srimad Bhagavatam 3.23.5

TRANSLATION: Cyavana Muni was very irritable, but since Sukanya had got him as her husband, she dealt with him carefully, according to his mood. Knowing his mind, she performed service to him without being bewildered.

PURPORT: This is an indication of the relationship between husband and wife. A great personality like Cyavana Muni has the temperament of always wanting to be in a superior position. Such a person cannot submit to anyone. Therefore, Cyavana Muni had an irritable temperament. His wife, Sukanya, could understand his attitude, and under the circumstances she treated him accordingly. If any wife wants to be happy with her husband, she must try to understand her husband's temperament and please him. This is victory for a woman. Even in the dealings of Lord Krishna with His different queens, it has been seen that although the queens were the daughters of great kings, they placed themselves before Lord Krishna as His maidservants. However great a woman may be, she must place herself before her husband in this way; that is to say, she must be ready to carry out her husband's orders and please him in all circumstances. Then her life will be successful. When the wife becomes as irritable as the husband, their life at home is sure to be disturbed or ultimately completely broken. In the modern day, the wife is never submissive, and therefore home life is broken even by slight incidents. Either the wife or the husband may take advantage of the divorce laws. According to the Vedic law, however, there is no such thing as divorce laws, and a woman must be trained to be submissive to the will of her husband. Westerners contend that this is a slave mentality for the wife, but factually it is not; it is the tactic by which a woman can conquer the heart of her husband, however irritable or cruel he may be. In this case we clearly see that although Cyavana Muni was not young but indeed old enough to be Sukanya's grandfather and was also very irritable, Sukanya, the beautiful young daughter of a king, submitted herself to her old husband and tried to please him in all respects. Thus she was a faithful and chaste wife.

Srimad Bhagavatam 9.3.10

PURPORT: A wife is always supposed to be submissive to her husband. Submission, mild behaviour and subservience are qualities in a wife which make a husband very thoughtful of her. For family life it is very good for a husband to be attached to his wife, but it is not very good for spiritual advancement. Thus Krishna consciousness must be established in every home. If a husband and wife are very much attached to one another in Krishna consciousness, they will both benefit because Krishna is the centre of their existence. Otherwise, if the husband is too much attached to his wife, he becomes a woman in his next life. The woman, being overly attached to her husband, becomes a man in her next life. Of course, it is an advantage for a woman to become a man, but it is not at all advantageous for the man to become a woman.

Srimad Bhagavatam 4.28.19

TRANSLATION: Working sanely and diligently, she pleased her very powerful husband, giving up all lust, pride, envy, greed, sinful activities and vanity.

PURPORT: Here are some of the qualities of a great husband's great wife. Kardama Muni is great by spiritual qualification. Such a husband is called tejiyamsam, most powerful. Although a wife may be equal to her husband in advancement in spiritual consciousness, she should not be vainly proud. Sometimes it happens that the wife comes from a very rich family, as did Devahuti, the daughter of Emperor Svayambhuva Manu. She could have been very proud of her parentage, but that is forbidden. The wife should not be proud of her parental position. She must always be submissive to the husband and must give up all vanity. As soon as the wife becomes proud of her parentage, her pride creates great misunderstanding between the husband and wife, and their nuptial life is ruined. If a wife does not live well with her husband but deals very roughly, then she is an enemy;

Srimad Bhagavatam 3.23.3

The key is that although Vedic role models are the only real solution, adjustments must be made due to the lack of extended families in modern society. Only when we understand the psychological differences between men and women can we go on to role models - adjusting them to time, place and circumstances.

In the Manu samhita, it is clearly stated that a woman should not be given freedom. That does not mean that woman are to be kept as slaves, but they are like children. Children are not given freedom, but that does not mean that they are kept as slaves. The demons have now neglected such injunctions, and they think that women should be given as much freedom as men. However, this has not improved the social condition of the world. Actually, a woman should be given protection at every stage of life. She should be given protection by the father in her younger days, by the husband in her youth, and by the grown up sons in her old age. This is proper social behaviour according to the Manu samhita. But modern education has artificially devised a puffed up concept of womanly life, and therefore marriage is practically now an imagination in human society. Nor is the moral condition of woman very good now.

Bhagavad Gita 16.7

Physical Nature of Women

It is woman’s nature to decorate herself with ornaments and nice dresses and accompany her husband to social functions, meet friends and relatives, and enjoy life in that way.

Srimad Bhagavatam 4.3.9

Manu Samhita recommends that to keep a wife satisfied a husband should give her some ornaments because women are generally fond of home, ornaments, dresses, children, etc.

Srimad Bhagavatam 4.25.41

Even though a woman is very fond of fulfilling her own plans, when someone instructs her, especially her husband, she innocently follows, and thus she can be trained for better purposes. By nature a woman wants to be a follower of a man: therefore if the man is good the woman can be trained for a good purpose.

Srimad Bhagavatam 6.18.46

(From: Success in the Grihastha Ashram By Jaya Sila das)